December 16th

I’ve struggled to find the right words to say or how to even express what I feel inside. When I’m home I find myself replaying labor/birth second by second. My body feels trapped in a state of fight or flight all the time. Some days my tiny goals seems impossible to bare. Breathing now seems like a chore and this morning I just wanted to lay in bed. Every moment seems to inch me closer to burrying Koa and that is just an excruciating thought. Everyone is asking how I want Friday & Saturday to look but in reality I don’t care, I just want my son back. I want to stop seeing pregnant mom’s or mom’s with little babies and wanting to throw up from the pain I feel. I want my Koko.

I don’t want to face Friday. I feel like when Sunday rolls around the world will go silent. There’s nothing left but to just mourn and someone find my new normal? How can there be a new normal without my Koa? How do I face Christmas five days later and surround myself with family and try to be happy? I hate Christmas right now, it feels miserable. Watching everyone filled with joy while I’m struggling to catch my breath. God I know you are good and will never forsake me but I wish your plan for Koa was different. I think often people think that with grief I should be consumed with anger and questioning God. I probably would’ve thought I would respond in that exact same way if you asked me a month ago. There was not a moment in that hospital or when we got home that I didn’t feel the overwhelming presence of God. His peace washed over me like a tidal wave. He was in control and was moving in mighty ways.

Doesn’t mean I have to agree or love the outcome. Trust me losing my son is the most horrific thing. I will spend the rest of my life missing and wishing Koa was in my arms. There is a reason the song God lead me to choose for Koa was Who Else by gateway for his birth. Who else is worthy but my God. The God who gave me 7 extra days without life support. The God who removed all the horrible swelling so I could see my darling son without outward suffering. He gave me time to take newborn photos and time to fill his room with joy instead of echoes of machines beeping. Doctors told us we would have minutes maybe hours but without all the medications he would not last long. Yet, my God defied all their odds and expectations. No one thought Koa would ever go back home but he did. Koa got to see his room and sit by the Christmas tree as he snuggled into my chest for his final breath.

I cling to those moments and those huge blessings when the world seems to be constantly spinning. I cling to the hope that I will get to see him again in heaven. Right now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of having panic attacks from having to see anyone outside of my immediate family. I’m stuck in this pull of trying to comfort and make this time special for my girls but also suffocating in the same moment. I miss the quiet and the beauty of broken bow. I miss being away from reality and it all. This house is a constant reminder that Koa is gone and our family is now not complete.

God has called me into a new project to honor Koa and I’m pressing into that. I’m excited to share at his celebration of life on Saturday and then share with the world. Koa is going to continue to impact and change lives. I choose every day to keep going and fighting for joy so I can carry his light even in the darkness. Every day my goal is to honor Koa and fight to never let his legacy fade away. Before we left for Broken Bow I got my tattoo in honor of Koa with a wave to represent him. Psalms 93:4 has become the anthem verse for my darling Koa. A reminder that even when the waves hit from all direction it is Jesus who with the breath of his lungs can command the storm to silence. Only He has the power to part the sea and save us from the brokenness all around us. Koa had waves crashing against him but God used Koa and me even in the midst of the storm to be a lighthouse for His glory.

Koa’s Celebration of life will take place this Saturday at 11am in Mckinney Texas. If you can I would love to invite all of you to come celebrate his beautiful life. If you can’t attend or are out of state we are working on live streaming it as well so no one has to miss out.