December 16th

I’ve struggled to find the right words to say or how to even express what I feel inside. When I’m home I find myself replaying labor/birth second by second. My body feels trapped in a state of fight or flight all the time. Some days my tiny goals seems impossible to bare. Breathing now seems like a chore and this morning I just wanted to lay in bed. Every moment seems to inch me closer to burrying Koa and that is just an excruciating thought. Everyone is asking how I want Friday & Saturday to look but in reality I don’t care, I just want my son back. I want to stop seeing pregnant mom’s or mom’s with little babies and wanting to throw up from the pain I feel. I want my Koko.

I don’t want to face Friday. I feel like when Sunday rolls around the world will go silent. There’s nothing left but to just mourn and someone find my new normal? How can there be a new normal without my Koa? How do I face Christmas five days later and surround myself with family and try to be happy? I hate Christmas right now, it feels miserable. Watching everyone filled with joy while I’m struggling to catch my breath. God I know you are good and will never forsake me but I wish your plan for Koa was different. I think often people think that with grief I should be consumed with anger and questioning God. I probably would’ve thought I would respond in that exact same way if you asked me a month ago. There was not a moment in that hospital or when we got home that I didn’t feel the overwhelming presence of God. His peace washed over me like a tidal wave. He was in control and was moving in mighty ways.

Doesn’t mean I have to agree or love the outcome. Trust me losing my son is the most horrific thing. I will spend the rest of my life missing and wishing Koa was in my arms. There is a reason the song God lead me to choose for Koa was Who Else by gateway for his birth. Who else is worthy but my God. The God who gave me 7 extra days without life support. The God who removed all the horrible swelling so I could see my darling son without outward suffering. He gave me time to take newborn photos and time to fill his room with joy instead of echoes of machines beeping. Doctors told us we would have minutes maybe hours but without all the medications he would not last long. Yet, my God defied all their odds and expectations. No one thought Koa would ever go back home but he did. Koa got to see his room and sit by the Christmas tree as he snuggled into my chest for his final breath.

I cling to those moments and those huge blessings when the world seems to be constantly spinning. I cling to the hope that I will get to see him again in heaven. Right now I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of having panic attacks from having to see anyone outside of my immediate family. I’m stuck in this pull of trying to comfort and make this time special for my girls but also suffocating in the same moment. I miss the quiet and the beauty of broken bow. I miss being away from reality and it all. This house is a constant reminder that Koa is gone and our family is now not complete.

God has called me into a new project to honor Koa and I’m pressing into that. I’m excited to share at his celebration of life on Saturday and then share with the world. Koa is going to continue to impact and change lives. I choose every day to keep going and fighting for joy so I can carry his light even in the darkness. Every day my goal is to honor Koa and fight to never let his legacy fade away. Before we left for Broken Bow I got my tattoo in honor of Koa with a wave to represent him. Psalms 93:4 has become the anthem verse for my darling Koa. A reminder that even when the waves hit from all direction it is Jesus who with the breath of his lungs can command the storm to silence. Only He has the power to part the sea and save us from the brokenness all around us. Koa had waves crashing against him but God used Koa and me even in the midst of the storm to be a lighthouse for His glory.

Koa’s Celebration of life will take place this Saturday at 11am in Mckinney Texas. If you can I would love to invite all of you to come celebrate his beautiful life. If you can’t attend or are out of state we are working on live streaming it as well so no one has to miss out.

December 14th

The weight of everything came tumbling down like an avalanche. I think a part of me has gone numb to try and not drown in the grief before me. There’s a certain switch you have to turn off to be able to function and still be a mom to the other kids that need you. The reality hit me hard as I realized I have been living in constant trauma and haven’t had a single moment to breathe or even fully begin to process. I went from a traumatic birth at home to being rushed to the hospital while the EMTs told me to keep massage Koa’s chest so he didn’t stop breathing. Imagine trying to process that while my body was already hemorrhaging and pain from a broken pelvis. My body went into shock and I had to fight to stay present for my son.

I remember the Emts fighting to get the Cpap machine to work and if it wasn’t for my midwife behind me they wouldn’t have even noticed that the gage wasn’t moving at all. For nearly the entire ride to the hospital I don’t remember that gage moving and I often wonder if that caused more harm to my sweet boy. Right now my body is searching for something to cling to. It’s searching for answers and a reason that this happened to my boy. I know I should just be grieving but right now the unknown seems so deafening. I just have so many questions and so many fears that I don’t even know where to begin to process. I went from that to the 12 horrific days fighting for my sons life. To practically running out of the hospital after almost watching him die in my arms at the hospital. I’ll never forget the gasping for air or the life fading from his face. We rushed home and 30 minutes later he took his last breath as he laid with his head on my chest and his sweet hand pressed against my collar bone.

For now I’m trying to lay all these overwhelming thoughts down as I sit in a hanging chair on the beautiful porch of a cabin in Broken Bow. The morning air is bitterly cold but I don’t mind it. In a way it’s forcing me to stay fully present. The beauty surrounding this cabin is a sweet reminder of our creator and the one who gets to snuggle my sweet koko now. How I long to have him in my arms again. My arms feel empty and my heart just aches all day. My body is in a constant state of complete peace but also about to have a panic attack at any moment. How does that work? It feels like my body is in a war with itself, isn’t grief so fun? Although, my focus has turned to honoring Koa and how to forever keep him present in our family and in this world.

Tonight we will join thousands of people as we light a candle at 7pm to honor child loss. I am inviting you to light a candle for Koa and take a picture. Feel free to tag me on socials or send it directly to me. What a sweet reminder it will be to see how many people have been impacted by sweet Koa and his beautiful life. Tonight we will gather in this beautiful cabin as we honor Koa and mourn him together. The room will fill with praise but also sorrow as we grieve his presence not being here with us.

For now I am trying to be present and make sweet memories here at the cabin. Every time we laugh and have fun it feels almost wrong. Every joyful moment is filled with a sharp pain aching for Koa to be here making these memories with us. Maybe this will be my new normal. Maybe I will always have these beautiful moments but inside always feel this heaviness wishing to have my son here. God come quickly.

Here are tangible things I am doing every day to survive and function. Starting my day allowing myself to feel whatever I need. Often this means crying or curling up in a ball or just needing extra space. Next every day I journal or write here or both. Next say his name and talk openly about him so he is still present with me. Finally, set small goals to accomplish each day. This gives me a sense of control again and helps steady my body to not feel completely out of control. For example shower, drink water, each one meal, get dressed, play with my girls, or just manage to be present with my family. My goal is three things every day and give myself grace if I don’t hit those.

I also am focused on making sure I don’t run from or avoid things that remind me of Koa. My screen saver is now Koa and his hand prints are on our fridge. I never leave the house without Koko’s blanket that he passed in. There’s enough trauma triggers that I wanted to surround myself with his beautiful features and memories. As much as I am trying to be present here at the cabin I am still constantly reminded that we are burying our son in five days. I have a celebration of life to plan and somehow that all seems impossible. Lord give me the grace and the strength to be like Job even in the darkness of the next week. Let my life glorify and point other’s to you even in my brokenness. I love you Koa James and I miss you.

December 12th

Mornings are the hardest part of the day most of the time. I tried to shower this morning as I've set daily small goals for myself to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Goals like breathe, shower, drink water, try to eat one meal(Doesn't happen often), get dressed, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable around my girls. I want to teach them how to grieve and not to be afraid of emotions. As I stood in the shower the song Praise you through it by Maverick City came on and all the memories of singing that over Koa came flooding back. I sang it over him as they told me he is moving in the direction of becoming brain dead. I sang it over him as I held him for the first time since birth with tubes still connected him all over. I sang it with a broken cry as they removed life support and all the medication they said were keeping him alive. It's the song I cried out as the firefighters came to declare him dead.

Before I knew it my knees hit the tiled floor as the hot water no longer had a temperature and my whole body went numb. Tears poured from my face as I cried out for Koa. My heart ached so badly that it physically hurt to breathe. I was lost in the sorrow that I didn't even hear my sweet girls come in and run to get Matthew. I'm sure Matthew is tired of seeing me collapsed or passed out at this point. Yet here he was again on his knees rubbing my back and comforting me in my brokenness. Once I finally collected myself and got myself ready for the day I got my girls together. I have daily conversations with Kinzley Rae as she has deep thoughts about Koa and heaven. Indie on the other hand every time I cry she reminds me don't worry because Koko will be back soon. Once everyone was ready for the day I decided to put Koa's hand prints on the fridge so every time I want I can touch his little hands.

We decided to spend the day running errands and trying to distract from all the sorrow. While my incredible in laws took the girls for the day we adventured out to go picture up incredible sweatshirts I had made in honor of Koa. We then went to a few others stores but every glimpse of Christmas was like a tiny dagger to my heart. Christmas seems like a constant reminder that Koa is not with me and will never get to experience things with me. He will never get to experience how magical Christmas used to be at my mom's house. Christmas just feels like a form of torture right now.

My new normal right now is being on the edge of a panic attack every minute of the day. I feel like I can't breathe in my own home and going out being around people feels even worse. The idea of talking to people and admitting what's happened is real seems impossible. Even strangers coming to drop food off makes me almost have a panic attack. I look around the store and see people happy, holding babies, or even pregnant and it's like a slap back to reality. Reality sucks right now and I wish sometimes I was wired to scream and get angry. Anger is not my go to emotion...ever not even in this situation. People have often told me that it's okay to be angry or even angry with God. That keep telling me he can handle it but that's never been an emotion I've felt. I haven't doubted God for a moment in this horrific season. I haven't been angry or even asked him why? Maybe that makes me crazy but the complete peace I had washed over me so heavy that no matter what was happening to my son I knew God was in control.

I never once had doubt that God was moving in ways I could not see. Never once did I second guess what God was calling me to do. God called me from the beginning of my pregnancy to trust him and surrender Koa to Him. I didn't fully understand what he meant when he called me to walk these waters but he has been faithful every step of the way. Today has been heavy in more ways than one. I miss my Koa, I miss the blissfulness of anticipating his arrival without fear. I miss hearing his heartbeat in my midwifes office and finding solace in the sound. I miss being pregnant and dreaming of the future with our sweet new baby. I wish I could go back to the old me. The version who didn't know such grief and loss.

I don't get that choice though. God has a plan through this grief and loss. As much as it hurts to breathe let alone continue to be a good parent I don't want to miss what God is wanting to do. Today I had this beautiful vision of something I want to do to honor Koa and minister to other NICU families who will have to walk similar roads as we did. Maybe, just maybe I can bring some comfort or light in the midst of such darkness. If you don't follow me on social media make sure you do so you can see how you can be apart of this project.

For now as we approach Koa's burial and celebration of life I'm going to ask each of you a favor. If you've been impacted by sweet Koa or any of these writings would you consider clicking the link provided and filling it out. We are able to put things in Koa's casket and I would love to fill it with how he impacted this world.

For tonight I am keeping this update short. My body is exhausted and my brain won't let up wanting to try and process everything or solve the mystery. My body is exhausted in more ways than I can describe. My heart physically hurts and longs to be one with all my kids again. All I can say for now is one day when I'm buried they better put the best tennis shoes on me and tie those laces tight because I've got a longggg over due play date with my kids waiting in heaven.

December 11th

When it rains it pours and today it was a thunderstorm. My brain has not let me rest. I will fall asleep but only to be greeted by nightmares or being stuck in a loop of traumatic moments. My body and brain are searching for answers and my heart just aches for Koa. Today my brain hyper fixated on every moment of my labor and birth trying to figure out if there was a moment that could explain my sweet boy getting HIE. There are moments that are so clear to me that I know changed my labor. Moments where I knew something was very wrong but none pointed to Koa being in harms way. If you ask I can tell you the exact moment I fractured my pelvis. I can tell you the exact moment I knew something was very wrong with me after birth. What I can't tell you is what caused my son to lose his life.

The torture as a parent of loss is the unknown. Living the rest of your life wondering what if and wishing you had answers to help someone else not walk through what you have. I've now looked death in the face and I never want to again. I daily have to listen to my sweet girls crying for Koko or asking when Jesus is going to send him back to us. Man I wish that's how it worked. I wish God would heal Koa and send him back to be in my arms.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I look forward to it and count the days until I can flood my house with decorations. Yet, this year Christmas seems impossible to even think about. The idea of decorating a tree or going to drive through lights seems wrong. We had all these sweet plans to snuggle Koa up under the tree as we gathered as a family. I dreamed of having his sweet body wrapped against me as I finished rehearsal for my drama programs musical Frozen Jr. Now the thought of doing any of that seems wrong without him. Here I am torn between two realities of missing my son with such desperation but also trying to make this time magical for my two girls. Every moment of joy is followed by such heavy grief. When I snuggle Indie as she always demands at bedtime I am reminded that I will never have these moments with Koko.

I watch as Indie and Kinzley Rae play so sweetly I am reminded that Koko will never get to experience the love of his sisters like this. I didn't fully comprehend living with your body in two completely different spaces at the same time. I've had two miscarriages between Kinzley Rae and Indie but this is another level of excruciating pain. I've learned that mornings are not my friend because they always come with hard news, heavy emotions, or just such emptiness. I think we often try to silent grief and hide away from people who are struggling. I rarely saw other mom's talking about about miscarriages or grief openly. Maybe just maybe these writings will encourage just one person. When God called me to start writing His calling was this, "Write for your healing but so that I can heal others." I may never know how these posts have encouraged or healed people but my prayer is continuously that.

My goal every day is to find one thing to find joy in. Grief can consume and sadness can drown but I am convinced that Joy can heal. Today's praise is that my milk supply has naturally gone done without needing to take medication. I am a major over producer and my milk came fully in by day two even after not pumping or nursing for a full 24 hours after birth. By day three I was pumping 8 ounces every 3-4 hours only for 10 minutes to take the edge off. Now I've gotten it down to 4 ounces every 6 hours so we are almost done. Every pump makes me cry because I know slowly it's ending and when it stops that's the last part I have that connected us. Who knew that I would be sad to end pumping? I think pumping is the actual worst but in this circumstance it just reminds me what I wish I was able to be doing with Koa. I never got to nurse him and never will.

I'm celebrating myself as well because today I was able to write Koko's obituary, make his celebration of life graphic, and wrote out a rough outline of what I want to happen at his celebration of life. I even worked on my original song that's in honor of Koa. Juggling grief while trying to plan a celebration of life that glorifies the Lord is a heavy task. I am thankful for my amazing support system and how quickly they have jumped in to offer to get prints made, to lead worship, to speak, to serve however we needed. I've watched as families from different churches have offered us their auditorium, to cover food for the family, to offer time or financial help. God is moving in ways that leave me in awe of his faithfulness.

Don't get me wrong this situation sucks and in ways I am also grieving the old version of me that I will never get back. A part of me left when Koa passed but a new version of myself is being awoken and God is moving in huge ways. I can't wait to one day look back and see all that God has done. Right now I am barely looking past tomorrow. It's a moment by moment living right now and that's okay. Right now I have to remind myself to breathe and drink water. Food is barely a thing right now but when your body is grieving so heavily the last thing you want is to focus on food. One day those will be easier but for now I am letting myself do what I need to survive.

Normally where I love being with people, it now seems daunting and suffocating to try and put on a front. I have gone into public and often wanted to scream because I was jealous how everyone was just going about their life. Here I stood frozen in time while the world kept flying by me. For now I am okay with moving slow and not rushing anything. Right now my goal is to not allow my grief to stop from keeping Koa here and forever involved in our family. Every night when we pray we thank God for Koa and ask him to squeeze/kiss him for us. Then we each say, "We love you Koa!" We have a blow up that represent Koa and we talk about him constantly. I never want his name to fade from my lips because he deserves to be remembered for forever. I love you Koa, for now and forever! I will forever miss you and spend the rest of my life honoring your legacy.

December 10th

Grief comes in like the waves. Sometimes it’s a dull ache that just lingers along the shore line. Other times it comes crashing in and knocks you off your feet. Today has been a rollercoaster of waves crashing into my heart. I attempted to sleep in our bed with Matthew but my night was filled with flashbacks and horrendous nightmares. Then as the sun began to rise I fell asleep finally into a deep calming sleep. I had this sweet dream of Koa James running and laughing with a beautiful painted sky behind him. Then the dream faded and suddenly I was standing in this beautiful field that overlooked hills and a beautiful pond in the distance. My girls were running around as Matthew sat on a picnic blanket. Then the dream panned to show our whole family and I was holding a little baby.

I didn’t know what this meant, but it felt heavy until I stood today at the cemetery that God had led me to pick. I stood in the field looking down the hill where there were no gravestones but just a gorgeous view of trees on a hillside and a pond in the distance. Normally I think people would be crying as they stood picking their plot to burry their son, but I was washed over with peace. That image from my dream flashed before me as the wind blew against my skin. It was like God’s sweet whisper that this place would not just hold sorrow but the promise of a beautiful future. I whispered praise and told Koa how deeply I missed him. The sorrow wasn’t gone, but I felt some weight lifted as God comforted my soul.

After confirming the spot, we then had to drive to the funeral home to sign papers and the death certificate. I sat looking at the building as my husband protectively went inside so I could remain in the car. Why did this building seem way more daunting to be in front of? Knowing my sweet baby’s body was lying inside made it hard to breath. Every part of me wanted to run inside and scoop his body up. Although I knew I couldn’t. I knew he was gone, but I so longed for him to be home again in my arms. Day two without Koa was filled with distractions but we were also beginning to truly plan for his grave side funeral and his celebration of life.

No one prepares you with how to bury your son or how to truly celebrate such a beautiful life. Though I wish I had more time with Koa, I was reminded by the constant videos that now are my entire instagram feed that so many never even get 12 days with their babies. I at least have videos of his sweet dinosaur growling snores and his many faces. I even got to feel him squeeze my hand, and I got to listen to his beautiful heart beat. I got to know him and make memories with him. I got to hold him tightly and sing to him. My darling Koa you have changed me in ways I will never forget. You’ve taught how to truly stand in my faith without questioning the faithfulness of my God.

People have often told me that it’s okay to be angry or angry with God, but that has never been an emotion for me. I have never felt angry towards God or asked him why he would do this. I have cried out in surrender giving Him Koa multiple times because ultimately only God knew the amount of days we have. God formed him in my womb and knew the impact he would have on this world in only 12 short days. He knew how He would use me and my love for writing to be able to touch numerous lives. God is good even in the darkness. It doesn’t mean I have to love or even agree with what He had plan for Koa’s life. I will always wish there was a different outcome. I will always ask what if I refused to do certain things in labor, what if I didn’t do a home birth, what if I didn’t pass on the extra ultrasound at 34 weeks, what if…. but the what ifs won’t ever bring Koa James back into my arms.

What they will do is slowly destroy me and allow darkness to creep in. I refuse to let the darkness overtake me or my family. I want to honor Koa with the same light he constantly shined. My desire is to be just as big of a fighter and warrior as he was. Koa didn’t have to speak to change lives or even point people to Christ. I strive to be like my darling Koa, to be a light that shines in the darkness. I want to be someone who doesn’t have to speak to shine God’s light in this world.

Today, I was surrounded by my mom and younger siblings. We filled this house with laughter and distraction through games. It was a reminder of the last two weeks and how we filled Koa’s room with joy. It’s easy to remain in the grief and brokenness. It’s hard to choose the joy and find the light. If you know me I’m all about speaking life into others, but right now I am having to grow in my speaking life to myself. I’m having to grow in speaking my emotions and letting others in to grieve alongside me. Overall, God is growing me tremendously through this horrible season. Don’t get me wrong, I hate this season. I hate being apart of this “group” of moms who walk life without a part of their heart. I will forever have a missing part of me. When I woke today, I was reminded that as much as I want Koa here, to have him still here would mean he would still be suffering.

I’ve been blown away by the generosity of people in this hard season. Christmas has always been my favorite season, but this year it seems nearly impossible to try and celebrate without Koa. I know I will include him in all family traditions. His stocking will be hung and the girls will always have gifts from him. I didn’t even have to voice how hard it would be before people instantly jumped in to cover all of Christmas for my girls. Stockings will be filled and my trunk is already full of presents with about 20 more gifts at my in laws and more arriving from amazon every day. Did I mention an entire play set will be arriving soon for my girls? It will be the most magical Christmas for my girls, and they so deserve it. Not to mention, people have raised nearly 20k for us…I have no words but thank you. The weight of my hospital bill and Koa’s has been so heavy to bear. Then you add several thousand dollars for funeral cost and what we will need to make the celebration of life amazing for my sweet baby boy.

I wish there was a guide for this season of life on how to walk this out with two young kiddos and how to grieve while also surrendering to the Lord.I wish their was a guide to the next steps or how to do a funeral and celebration of life. I wish there was some kind of direction on how to continue life while missing someone with every part of your being but also having peace. I feel this tug in my soul of complete peace but also complete anguish. Is this what Jesus felt like when He knelt before God asking for the cup to pass but also having complete peace in knowing God was in control? For tonight I am surrendering the weight of the pain I face at the altar and trusting that not a single moment is wasted in His eyes. May every word that is written and every tear shed not be for nothing but solely for the glory of God.