December 11th
When it rains it pours and today it was a thunderstorm. My brain has not let me rest. I will fall asleep but only to be greeted by nightmares or being stuck in a loop of traumatic moments. My body and brain are searching for answers and my heart just aches for Koa. Today my brain hyper fixated on every moment of my labor and birth trying to figure out if there was a moment that could explain my sweet boy getting HIE. There are moments that are so clear to me that I know changed my labor. Moments where I knew something was very wrong but none pointed to Koa being in harms way. If you ask I can tell you the exact moment I fractured my pelvis. I can tell you the exact moment I knew something was very wrong with me after birth. What I can't tell you is what caused my son to lose his life.
The torture as a parent of loss is the unknown. Living the rest of your life wondering what if and wishing you had answers to help someone else not walk through what you have. I've now looked death in the face and I never want to again. I daily have to listen to my sweet girls crying for Koko or asking when Jesus is going to send him back to us. Man I wish that's how it worked. I wish God would heal Koa and send him back to be in my arms.
Christmas is my favorite time of year. I look forward to it and count the days until I can flood my house with decorations. Yet, this year Christmas seems impossible to even think about. The idea of decorating a tree or going to drive through lights seems wrong. We had all these sweet plans to snuggle Koa up under the tree as we gathered as a family. I dreamed of having his sweet body wrapped against me as I finished rehearsal for my drama programs musical Frozen Jr. Now the thought of doing any of that seems wrong without him. Here I am torn between two realities of missing my son with such desperation but also trying to make this time magical for my two girls. Every moment of joy is followed by such heavy grief. When I snuggle Indie as she always demands at bedtime I am reminded that I will never have these moments with Koko.
I watch as Indie and Kinzley Rae play so sweetly I am reminded that Koko will never get to experience the love of his sisters like this. I didn't fully comprehend living with your body in two completely different spaces at the same time. I've had two miscarriages between Kinzley Rae and Indie but this is another level of excruciating pain. I've learned that mornings are not my friend because they always come with hard news, heavy emotions, or just such emptiness. I think we often try to silent grief and hide away from people who are struggling. I rarely saw other mom's talking about about miscarriages or grief openly. Maybe just maybe these writings will encourage just one person. When God called me to start writing His calling was this, "Write for your healing but so that I can heal others." I may never know how these posts have encouraged or healed people but my prayer is continuously that.
My goal every day is to find one thing to find joy in. Grief can consume and sadness can drown but I am convinced that Joy can heal. Today's praise is that my milk supply has naturally gone done without needing to take medication. I am a major over producer and my milk came fully in by day two even after not pumping or nursing for a full 24 hours after birth. By day three I was pumping 8 ounces every 3-4 hours only for 10 minutes to take the edge off. Now I've gotten it down to 4 ounces every 6 hours so we are almost done. Every pump makes me cry because I know slowly it's ending and when it stops that's the last part I have that connected us. Who knew that I would be sad to end pumping? I think pumping is the actual worst but in this circumstance it just reminds me what I wish I was able to be doing with Koa. I never got to nurse him and never will.
I'm celebrating myself as well because today I was able to write Koko's obituary, make his celebration of life graphic, and wrote out a rough outline of what I want to happen at his celebration of life. I even worked on my original song that's in honor of Koa. Juggling grief while trying to plan a celebration of life that glorifies the Lord is a heavy task. I am thankful for my amazing support system and how quickly they have jumped in to offer to get prints made, to lead worship, to speak, to serve however we needed. I've watched as families from different churches have offered us their auditorium, to cover food for the family, to offer time or financial help. God is moving in ways that leave me in awe of his faithfulness.
Don't get me wrong this situation sucks and in ways I am also grieving the old version of me that I will never get back. A part of me left when Koa passed but a new version of myself is being awoken and God is moving in huge ways. I can't wait to one day look back and see all that God has done. Right now I am barely looking past tomorrow. It's a moment by moment living right now and that's okay. Right now I have to remind myself to breathe and drink water. Food is barely a thing right now but when your body is grieving so heavily the last thing you want is to focus on food. One day those will be easier but for now I am letting myself do what I need to survive.
Normally where I love being with people, it now seems daunting and suffocating to try and put on a front. I have gone into public and often wanted to scream because I was jealous how everyone was just going about their life. Here I stood frozen in time while the world kept flying by me. For now I am okay with moving slow and not rushing anything. Right now my goal is to not allow my grief to stop from keeping Koa here and forever involved in our family. Every night when we pray we thank God for Koa and ask him to squeeze/kiss him for us. Then we each say, "We love you Koa!" We have a blow up that represent Koa and we talk about him constantly. I never want his name to fade from my lips because he deserves to be remembered for forever. I love you Koa, for now and forever! I will forever miss you and spend the rest of my life honoring your legacy.
