December 12th

Mornings are the hardest part of the day most of the time. I tried to shower this morning as I've set daily small goals for myself to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Goals like breathe, shower, drink water, try to eat one meal(Doesn't happen often), get dressed, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable around my girls. I want to teach them how to grieve and not to be afraid of emotions. As I stood in the shower the song Praise you through it by Maverick City came on and all the memories of singing that over Koa came flooding back. I sang it over him as they told me he is moving in the direction of becoming brain dead. I sang it over him as I held him for the first time since birth with tubes still connected him all over. I sang it with a broken cry as they removed life support and all the medication they said were keeping him alive. It's the song I cried out as the firefighters came to declare him dead.

Before I knew it my knees hit the tiled floor as the hot water no longer had a temperature and my whole body went numb. Tears poured from my face as I cried out for Koa. My heart ached so badly that it physically hurt to breathe. I was lost in the sorrow that I didn't even hear my sweet girls come in and run to get Matthew. I'm sure Matthew is tired of seeing me collapsed or passed out at this point. Yet here he was again on his knees rubbing my back and comforting me in my brokenness. Once I finally collected myself and got myself ready for the day I got my girls together. I have daily conversations with Kinzley Rae as she has deep thoughts about Koa and heaven. Indie on the other hand every time I cry she reminds me don't worry because Koko will be back soon. Once everyone was ready for the day I decided to put Koa's hand prints on the fridge so every time I want I can touch his little hands.

We decided to spend the day running errands and trying to distract from all the sorrow. While my incredible in laws took the girls for the day we adventured out to go picture up incredible sweatshirts I had made in honor of Koa. We then went to a few others stores but every glimpse of Christmas was like a tiny dagger to my heart. Christmas seems like a constant reminder that Koa is not with me and will never get to experience things with me. He will never get to experience how magical Christmas used to be at my mom's house. Christmas just feels like a form of torture right now.

My new normal right now is being on the edge of a panic attack every minute of the day. I feel like I can't breathe in my own home and going out being around people feels even worse. The idea of talking to people and admitting what's happened is real seems impossible. Even strangers coming to drop food off makes me almost have a panic attack. I look around the store and see people happy, holding babies, or even pregnant and it's like a slap back to reality. Reality sucks right now and I wish sometimes I was wired to scream and get angry. Anger is not my go to emotion...ever not even in this situation. People have often told me that it's okay to be angry or even angry with God. That keep telling me he can handle it but that's never been an emotion I've felt. I haven't doubted God for a moment in this horrific season. I haven't been angry or even asked him why? Maybe that makes me crazy but the complete peace I had washed over me so heavy that no matter what was happening to my son I knew God was in control.

I never once had doubt that God was moving in ways I could not see. Never once did I second guess what God was calling me to do. God called me from the beginning of my pregnancy to trust him and surrender Koa to Him. I didn't fully understand what he meant when he called me to walk these waters but he has been faithful every step of the way. Today has been heavy in more ways than one. I miss my Koa, I miss the blissfulness of anticipating his arrival without fear. I miss hearing his heartbeat in my midwifes office and finding solace in the sound. I miss being pregnant and dreaming of the future with our sweet new baby. I wish I could go back to the old me. The version who didn't know such grief and loss.

I don't get that choice though. God has a plan through this grief and loss. As much as it hurts to breathe let alone continue to be a good parent I don't want to miss what God is wanting to do. Today I had this beautiful vision of something I want to do to honor Koa and minister to other NICU families who will have to walk similar roads as we did. Maybe, just maybe I can bring some comfort or light in the midst of such darkness. If you don't follow me on social media make sure you do so you can see how you can be apart of this project.

For now as we approach Koa's burial and celebration of life I'm going to ask each of you a favor. If you've been impacted by sweet Koa or any of these writings would you consider clicking the link provided and filling it out. We are able to put things in Koa's casket and I would love to fill it with how he impacted this world.

For tonight I am keeping this update short. My body is exhausted and my brain won't let up wanting to try and process everything or solve the mystery. My body is exhausted in more ways than I can describe. My heart physically hurts and longs to be one with all my kids again. All I can say for now is one day when I'm buried they better put the best tennis shoes on me and tie those laces tight because I've got a longggg over due play date with my kids waiting in heaven.